incubus
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two
cents in ... what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their final
exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
30. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
32. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay
Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee
Titans?
33. If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one
enjoys it?
34. There are three religious truths: -- Jews do not recognize Jesus as the
Messiah.
-- Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
-- Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
35.Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
36. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
37. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
38. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
39. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
40. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
41. Why is a boxing ring square?
42. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
43. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
44. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
45. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
46. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
47. What does the inside of your nose smell like?
48. Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
49. Why is the time of day with the slowest moving traffic called rush hour?
50. Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
51. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
52. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
53. Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that
little indestructible black box is?
54. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
55. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
56. Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
57. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
58. If One is a goose, and 2 are called geese. So one is a moose, and 2 are called meese?
59. One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but
not one amend.
60. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
61. If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
62. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
63. Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane.
64. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
65. Why do we ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
66. Why is it that noses run and feet smell?
67.How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
a wise guy are opposites?
68. "What would an albino polar bear look like?"
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "Quick"
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30th September 2007 - 02:49 AM
